Here We Go Again

It's fall, and that means back to school!  For the kids, Charlie is starting 9th grade at Skyline High School--a new experience for sure.  Carson is starting 7th grade at Smith Jr. High--a new school and his first year of Junior High.  Cade is starting 4th grade and Cheyanna is starting 2nd grade at Noah Webster.  Cade really wanted to go to the Mesa Academy for Advanced Studies this year.  He applied and got accepted, but we felt that it would be better for him to stay at Noah Webster with Cheyanna.  The thought of having four kids in four different schools (riding different buses, and all arriving home at different times) was pretty daunting.  Especially since I am heading back to school myself, and I'm starting my internship.  This is my 3rd year of grad school (I'm getting my Master of Counseling at ASU).  It is a 2 year program, but I am taking the scenic route, and going at a little slower pace.  I am going to be doing my internship this semester and next, which entails working (for free) 20 hours a week, and going to class every other Monday night for 3 hours.  I also have a Thursday night class (the one I was planning to take over the summer, but I dropped it).  So my life is about to get really busy again.  Last weekend, as the reality of starting up again hit me (after having such a nice, relaxing summer spending time with my kids), I got really, really anxious.  I did not want to go back to school or to start my internship.  It is a lot of hard work, and starting my internship is scary.  But most of all, I HATE being away from my kids.  I hate not being there for them every night.  I hate being busy all the time, and worrying that they are not getting all the love and attention that they need from me.  So I was starting to wallow in self pity.  Why me?  Why does the Lord want me to do this right now?  This is hard!  Then I went to Stake Conference, and listened to Elder Bednar, and felt totally uplifted and strengthened.  I realized that it's not about me.  I covenanted to do His will.  I promised Him I would do whatever he asked of me.  And this is what He is asking me to do right now.  I don't know why.  But I do know that it is the right thing for me to do right now.  So I realized that I have had a lack of faith.  Heavenly Father wouldn't ask me to do something that would be harmful for my children.  I know that He will look out for them, watch over and protect them while I'm away.  I also know that He wouldn't have given me this calling to go back to school and get this degree if I couldn't handle it.  It's hard, but I know in the end, it will be good for me.  It already has been good for me.  It's not the easiest thing for my kids to have me gone every Thurs night, but maybe it is good for them and Chuck somehow.  Maybe there are lessons they can't learn any other way.  A change of perspective was all I needed (along with a little faith).  Life is hard.  But that's how we grow.  So I'll be the best mom I can be, and make the most of the time I am able to spend with my kids (and maybe be a better mom to them because of it).  And I will get all my assignments done somehow.  And I will figure out how to do all the paperwork, and how to handle a caseload of 20 clients, and I will complete my internship.  And I'll be better off somehow because of it.